Unexpectedly Vulnerable
by MusingsOf
Summary: Someone else's tragedy can hit you in ways you do not expect. Vanessa.


**Unexpectedly vulnerable**

The pub was busier than normal, news of the tragic accident spreading through the village and bringing people together, whatever they had thought of the Whites. Vanessa found herself sitting in a group of friends and family, holding Johnny on her lap but far from paying attention to the gentle chatter going on around her. No matter how hard she tried she could not get Rebecca out of her head, knowing that as they all sat around talking about the accident the young woman was fighting for her life.

She had not previously given much consideration to the fact that her and Rebecca had much in common, but now Vanessa couldn't stop thinking about the things they did. Both single mums of young sons, both living in the village with their dad and sister. She found herself pressing a kiss into Johnny's hair as she glanced over to where her own dad sat, and next to him Tracy. The three of them had definitely had some challenges, but right now they were united and together they were stronger than apart. She wondered if that was how the White's had felt when they had decided to all leave together as a family. She winced at considering how Rebecca would feel if she recovered enough to know they were gone, her own brain unable to compute how it would feel to lose her crazy but wonderful family members.

Johnny wriggled in her arms, wanting attention and Vanessa lifted him off her lap to turn him around to face her. She smiled at him, knowing without question he would smile back, and then clutched him towards her in a cuddle. There was a vulnerability in knowing that at any point people could be ripped away from each other that was not sitting well with her tonight, her mind struggling with how much she knew Rebecca would be battling to make it back to her son. She refused to even think about the fact that Chrissie had not managed to survive to get back to hers.

Feeling tears prickling her eyes Vanessa forced herself to refocus on the conversation in the room rather than her thoughts, but even the banter between Paddy and Marlon was forced and subdued and her thoughts were already too loud. Needing an escape, she stood up and swung Johnny onto her hip before quickly excusing herself to take her son home. She headed out of the door, wincing as the cold breeze hit her before shifting her son's weight to do up his coat around him.

She walked the short distance to her door, pulling her keys from her side pocket and opening up to let them both in. Turning on the lights she put Johnny down, ruffling his hair as he toddled off immediately to play with his toys. She sunk down into the sofa, watching him closely grateful that he was too young still to understand.

After everything that had happened before and straight after the little lad was born, Vanessa knew that she loved him more than life but on days like today she recognised that she was his whole world. With Kirin gone, it was all down to her and normally that was something she had come to terms with. Yet today, with one young man suddenly all alone in the world and a little baby potentially about to lose his mum, Vanessa's heart broke. Tears streamed down silently down her cheeks quicker than she could wipe them away as she cried for Rebecca, for Lachlan, for Seb and in fear for what could become of her own child if the worst happened to them.

She cursed herself for being selfish and for intertwining recent events with her own life but she suddenly found herself absent of plans, of decisions, of what to do. If anything happened to her, she knew that her dad, Tracy and Rhona would all step up for her little boy without question but they'd never actually had that conversation and she could not even bring herself to think how to start.

A little hand placed itself on her knee and she found herself gazing into the big eyes of her gorgeous son, pushing a smile onto her face despite the tears. His little arms reached up for her and she pulled him back onto her lap, burying her face in his hair and breathing him in. She prayed to a God she did not really believe in to save Rebecca and bring her back to her baby boy and hugged her own child tightly into her chest, never wanting to let him go. The harsh reality of life was not something she wanted to face up to tonight, instead just hoping to stay forever in this moment.

Tomorrow she knew she should deal with important matters and difficult conversations, those that really should not be put off until it was too late. However that was only part of what she knew she needed to do. As much as she hated to admit it, she was presently only living half a life and given how quickly that life could be snatched away, or at the very least altered forever, she knew she owed it to herself and Johnny to be braver than that.

Admitting to herself that she was at the very least not straight had opened up a world of feelings and imaginings that she was only just beginning to explore. She wanted to be the type of parent that showed her child how to live the best life and be true to themselves, whoever that person would be, but sitting at home brooding was not going to get her anywhere. Vanessa definitely did not want to waltz in and out of a string of short term dating disasters, nor have random people sharing her bed in the house her son also lived in, but as much as she was comfortable with the idea of being single she wanted that to be by choice not by fear of taking a leap of faith. Tonight was a night for thoughts, tomorrow was a day for action and the day after was definitely all about taking a step in a new direction.

The doorbell ringing jolted her out of her thoughts, causing Johnny to jump in her lap. She quickly scooped him up, walked over to the mirror to wipe her tear stains away cursing her pale skin for showing up red puffy eyes so badly and headed to the door briefly considering she had no idea who would be calling at this time.


End file.
